I should be baking right now.  I have an rather large order to fill for tomorrow (120 Salty Sailors – oh my!) and a regular weekly order to get to work on for Thursday.  I should be baking but instead I feel compelled to write.

I woke up this morning, still reeling from some disturbing dreams, only to look outside and see the gray skies and dreary atmosphere.  Then upon chatting with my mother, I learned she dreamt as me last night, and before you start thinking I’m more nuts than I am, the things she experienced in the dream and thought as me in the dream are far too accurate regarding situations she knew nothing about.  If all those factors didn’t make me pensive enough already, I heard a song on my ride home about an hour ago that transported me back to the summer of 2010 and to that relationship I was in.  

I’ve been thinking a lot about relationships lately, and life paths – which was exactly what my mother dreamt about, by the way.  How we become who we are, who we were at different stages in our lives, and what decisions and circumstances brought us to this very point. I get asked a lot about my relationship status; am I truly single, what happens when you get married, why are you still single?  That last one used to get me.  How the heck am I supposed to respond?  “Well, I know I seem like a nice, sweet, kind girl on the outside, but secretly I like to hold puppy barbecues on the weekends and basically smell like toe cheese in the morning.”  I didn’t know why I was single.  I wasn’t meeting the right men, I was too busy and didn’t have time to devote to a relationship, etc.  Things that were/are all true and contributing factors, but all excuses for the real reason.  I was scared.  Scared of rejection, scared to show my truest self and still be loved, scared that I wasn’t enough for someone.  I was scared the entire relationship I had during that summer of 2010.  Which, by the way, lasted until fall 2012.  That’s a long time to be afraid.

Thankfully, the last 5 years of my life have resulted in some pretty significant emotional and spiritual growth, largely in part to Single Girl Cookies.  I recognize my worth and refuse to compromise my value.  I’m more kind.  I’m more open. (that one’s easy when you have confidence in yourself) But isn’t it crazy how one song can transport you back to that time and place and make you feel those feelings that you felt then?  I call them phantom emotions.  You don’t really feel that way now, not truly, but your body and brain react in ways you cannot control.  I used to feel that way around this person from my past relationship until I took control of the situation, approached it head on, and made the effort to reconnect in a new way.  One that forgives various sins of the past and allows your brain to recognize you are reacting to old situations that do not exist anymore.

I almost cried when I heard that song today.  It made me feel melancholic for that time, and sad for that girl I was then.  It also made me overwhelmingly grateful for who I am now, someone I love very much.  I was recently reminded that sometimes you have to make certain mistakes in order to grow and learn; something I know and live, but never hurts to be reminded of.  Growing is painful and rarely do we do it willingly.  Yet, if there is so much growth and so much learned from something, can it really be called a mistake?

Yes, I am still single, and yes, my heart is still open and ready for my person.  I used to feel anxious about finding them, but when I think about the people and moments I may have missed while wishing for things to be different, I’m reminded to be patient. (and believe me when I tell you I am more patient now than I have ever been n my life, amiright, anyone that knows me??)  Imagine how your life might have been different were you not patient enough to wait for what was right.  The old adages stick around because of the truth in their words: Time heals all wounds and love is all you need.

And a cookie every now and again doesn’t hurt either.